Ending It All – A Mother’s Journey With Depression

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Hi, I’m Taylor Brock and I’m a local mom of 4 boys, a dog, and a loving husband.  I love to teach and empower women to become better than themselves and reach their full potential. I have gone through so many trials that allow me to connect with women on a personal level. Since I have been through and overcome many trials, I want to help other women do the same. This is my story. 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you battle with depression or know someone who is? I have battled with depression most of my life and after the ups and downs, I still find myself asking sometimes, “How much longer do I have to fight for my life? God, you keep giving me trials and I just want to give up. I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to live anymore. I just want it all to be over with.”

For those who want to give up, I know how you feel. Life is hard. Contradictory to what you may believe, relief comes through fighting, not by giving up. Want to know why? There are things in this world, you can do with a physical body that you can’t do with a spiritual body. If you left and you saw your child, husband, or family member hurting and crying day after day and also wanting to give up, it’s not like you can wrap your arms around them and comfort them or tell them you are there. The pain you feel now is temporary, but it can change. I wanted to end it all many times, but I want to tell you a story about the time God changed my mind.

“Is this really happening?” I thought as I held on tightly to the steering wheel, realizing my life was about to end. There was nothing I could do about it.  I no longer had control and was at the mercy of God’s angels. Although, I had wanted my life to end for years, I didn’t realize it was going to end so quickly and unexpectedly. My car flipped going 75 mph on the freeway, and I knew that there was no coming out alive once it was all over. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see what could be my last few seconds on earth.  Time slowed down drastically. As the car began to flip fast and with heavy force, even though it probably only lasted 5 seconds, I was able to have a conversation with myself for what seemed to last for a minute.

These thoughts came to my mind at the end of my life.

“Is this it? Is this where my life is going to end? God finally gave me a way out. I’ve been asking God to end my life for years. I don’t have to suffer through life anymore. How am I going to die? Is my neck going to snap? Will I be thrown out of the car? Will it hurt when I die? I hope I don’t feel it. My children! What will they do without me? Who will take care of them? My mom would be telling them I passed away tonight. They will be crying and wanting me back and  I won’t be able to comfort them or dry their tears. They will miss me everyday and need me and I won’t be there to help them. Who will comfort them when they cry and are down? Will they no longer enjoy their childhood without their mom? Did I tell them I love them today? Did I give them all the advice I can give them that will help them in life? How will they remember me? Did I make them feel loved everyday and give them memories to remember me by? I wish I enjoyed every moment with them and realized what a blessing it was even to hear their voice. I wish I held them tighter today. I wish I could hold them right now and assure them that they were my world. I wish I could tell them I love them one last time. I will miss all their milestones. I want to be there for them. You need to be there for them Taylor. You need to hold on and fight for your life one last time. Keep your head straight. Don’t let yourself be tossed around. You keep fighting and don’t let go because the second you let go, you will be tossed out of the car.”

I gripped the steering wheel and held my neck as straight and tight as I could to keep it from being whipped around and smashing into the window or pavement. I felt like the car kept flipping and I remember saying, “I don’t think I can hold on any longer. If it flips one more time, the force will toss me out. Try to keep holding on. ” Right then the car stopped rolling. It is a good thing I am short because the front end of my car was smashed in so deeply that I only had an inch or two from my head to the ceiling. The windows had all been smashed.  If I decided to let go, and become a casualty, I would have to see my children in spirit where I can’t tell them I am there watching over them. I can’t hold them and kiss them and tell them I love them. I can’t comfort them or dry their tears. I would be watching my children struggle through life without their mom.

I hung upside down in my car and opened my eyes. I was alive. I wasn’t even sure where my car was on the highway, but I felt like the roll over happened so quickly, that maybe the car behind me would ram against mine or run me over as I tried to exit my vehicle, but I didn’t want to be in the vehicle any longer. I unbuckled my seat belt and my head hit the ceiling. I struggled to crawl through the shattered window of my car, feeling the broken glass under my hands cutting into my skin. My bare legs slid across the glass on the pavement until I had room enough to get to my feet. I ran away from my wrecked vehicle toward the side of the road where it was safe.  A police officer only 100 feet away from the accident had witnessed the roll over and ran toward me. I started to run toward him and his pace slowed down and a look of fear came across his face. “Where are your children?” I turned around to look and saw my crushed up vehicle and then my children’s car seats in the middle of the freeway that had been thrown out of the vehicle during the roll over at 75 miles per hour. Relief came to my mind when I realized I didn’t bring the kids with me. They were at home with my parents. Relief came to the police officer once I told him they hadn’t been with me. I never expected this to happen, but life changing events never happen when we expect them too. In an instant, your whole life can change.

I was emotional because God gave me another chance to see what was really important in life. I had concentrated on how bad my life was for years that I forgot what was truly important. When I got home, my boys were asleep in my bed. I curled up in bed with my arms around each one balling and thanking God for giving me another day to hold my boys and kiss them and tell them I love them. For 10 years I was depressed because it was one trial after another and its hard to keep living when you don’t want to. I was raped, molested, my husband had cheated on me, abused me both mentally and physically, I was going through a divorce, I was living with my parents, I couldn’t provide for my children on my own and my life didn’t feel like it was going to get any better.

By the time I got home, none of that mattered. I was just so happy to see my boys and hold them one more time. I realized I was truly blessed. There were many days I thought about ending it all before the accident happened, and it felt like God just gave me a free pass to leave this world, but I chose to live. Why after years of asking God to end my life, did I not take it after I had the opportunity? Because life is valuable. Life is a gift. Even if I didn’t feel valuable, even if I was struggling, we are so blessed to be able to do things in this life that we can’t do in the spirit world, and I am so grateful God gave me that time to debate and remember what is important in life. The trial you are facing is hard, but the blessing God will give you after the trial will be greater. There were days I didn’t think I would ever feel whole again. I didn’t know how I would ever recover from my trials but I am glad I held on for one more day because God did make it up to me more than I could ever imagine. The constant pain and hurt I had felt all those years started to diminish and what was truly important in life gave me new hope and something to hold on to. I am not immune from trials or hurting. I still hurt, and I still face trials, but there is a blessing that will come from it. God will make it up to me and I know He will make it up to you too. I know this trial is hard for you, but just hold on because God will make it up to you. You will be happy again more than you ever have been. Yes! It’s true! It might take a while, but its worth it to hold on. It will get better, I promise. I know that if it weren’t for my kids, I would not be here today. And as hard as the battle was, I am glad I kept fighting even if the only thing I could do that day was to keep breathing, then just breathe. There would be times when I was hurting so much, something needed to happen. I could live, or I could die, but I wasn’t just going to stand there and rot away. I needed relief. Those times when you are THIS close to wanting to end it all, just remember this story. You just need to survive today. It WILL get better no matter what you think. There were times when I couldn’t even sleep and I would look for something harmful to do to myself that would distract me from the pain I was feeling on the inside, but I found something better. Instead of turning to cutting, drinking, smoking, drugs, pills, gamble, or whatever harmful thing you would normally do, pray, rent a funny movie, talk to a friend, read the scriptures, listen to uplifting songs, take a walk, go hold your kids, sleep if you can (might need to take a melatonin which is a natural sleep aid), exercise or clean, read uplifting stories and quotes and don’t stop till you feel better, and if you can’t do anything, then just breathe and remember what is truly important in life. Tell yourself, “God will make it up to me.” Ask God for help. He said “Joy comes in the morning.” When does morning begin? It begins at midnight. It’s still dark outside. 1 AM its dark, 2 AM its dark, 3 AM its dark. It might not seem like there will be joy because it is morning and its still dark outside, but the sun is about to break and you will see the dawn. Just hold on one more day__________. <insert your name here. Repeat that over and over.

God will not only give you daybreak, but he will give you the noon day sun when it’s all over. Breathe. Stay awake so you can see this out pour of blessings that will shortly come upon you. Everything is magnified when you are depressed. It may seem like your life is over or there is nothing to live for, but you haven’t seen your future. Only God can. Just as quickly as things can change for the worse, things can also change just as quickly for the better. You won’t expect it, but God will make it up to you in a way you wouldn’t expect. “If that unexpected crisis you are facing could stop you, be assured God would have never allowed it to happen. If that sudden challenge could have kept you from your destiny the most high God would not have permitted it.” “All things work together for your good to those who love God.” The key word is TOGETHER. A difficulty on it’s own may not make sense but when it all comes together one day, it will make sense.

You can read more from Taylor on her blog The Real Life Housewife

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